Process vs Product/Outcome: Picking a college major edition

So, your neurodiverse student is getting ready to apply to colleges and so now at the beginning of senior year of high school, they have to PICK A MAJOR. Feels a little soon, doesn’t it? Do they know what they “want to be when they grow up”? Are they realistic about the job world that this major choice will prepare them for. Or that some majors do the heavy lifting in terms of entering a career while others leave the grunt work to the new graduate.

And you, the parent, you know what’s waiting for your student…..You know that some majors will likely leave your quirky, socially missing-the-mark, unrealistic about the real world student high and dry, over educated and in danger of moving back into their childhood bedroom. So, you want take the lead role like you always have and tell them what would be best for them.

But I have another perspective. Agree with this or not, I’m sure there is something in here that will be of value to you.

College is not about having the answers when you apply or somehow choosing the right major or path through college without error. That’s missing the point. Your task is not about ensuring your student makes the right decisions, but helping your student learn HOW to make decisions - coming up with hypotheses, testing them, gathering information (I like this vs I don’t like this or this worked the way I thought it would vs I got this wrong), making adjustments based on the newly gathered information, knowing what adjustments to make, and starting the whole process over.

Let your student discover their path. That’s what college is really for. They may pick something outside the box or that seems ill-suited to their skills right now and surprise you and go all the way in this field. They may get the degree and then go in another direction, using that degree as a launching point – how many adults have done that, neurodiverse or not. And they may get into this “perfect-in- my-head” major and realize it’s not for them after all and change their mind midstream.

Every one of these scenarios is a win. Every one of these is strengthening so many “adult’ing” skills. Skills like self-insight, testing hypotheses, gathering information, making decision based on this new information, trying out self-direction and agency, etc….

The point is that this learning about what your student wants is THEIR journey. YOUR job as a parent is not to tell them what to choose and why it’s a good choice, it’s to support their own self discovery process. The parent role is now shifting from “decider if all things for you” and legitimately “I know

what’s best for you” to “adulting consultant”.

YOUR job now with your newly minted adult is to support the PROCESS, not to jump to your idea of the ideal outcome (no matter how right or wrong you might be). This PROCESS is your student’s next skill building task as a new adult and it is a super important skill to develop, so focus on the process NOT the immediate outcome.

And if they choose “wrong” realize that most college students change their majors at least once. Don’t “I told you so” to your student. Just help them think for themselves about why it wasn’t a good choice for them and if/why this new choice they are wanting to try is a better match. And praise THEM for learning about themselves and making good choices for themselves. Remember, as an “adulting consultant” you are going to stay focused on the PROCESS and support your student navigating these decision making skills, not the decision outcome, per se.