I just want to fix it

Ahhh….a problem arises for our newly minted Autistic (or otherwise neurodiverse) adult…..Not a serious problem but one that is causing them some level of angst or worry. And you as the parent are so used to clearing their path and find it hard to tolerate their discomfort. Your impulse it to jump in and fix it. This is what you have been doing for 5 years, 10 years and even longer. You have researched everything having to do with the supports your kiddo has received. You have justified the need like grant writer, fought the battles like a ninja, strategized the most direct route from the problem to the resolution like a general, wordsmith’ed your arguments like a lawyer, and endured advocacy sessions that have lasted days, weeks and months. You have taken care of it all and you have done a GREAT job. Without a doubt there is no problem which poses a match for you. You know what you’re doing.

😊

Let’s talk……and….let me say that this is my opinion based on my own priorities and experience. If this doesn’t vibe with you then follow your own north star.

** Let me also be clear up front – here we are talking about the garden variety problems of convenience, preference, comfort, minor messes that require damage control, and annoyances. I am NOT talking here about how to address serious safety issues having to do with health, personal safety, serious emotional stability, or significant property. For those you will step in much more and do what you need to do.**

But back to those minor inconveniences.

With any “problem”, you as the parent, former “fixer of all things”, “manager of it all”, and “controller of all damage” are now moving into a different role: that of “Adult’ing Consultant”. This transition is a very GOOD thing for you and for your now adult child. And I’m going to say something that may be jarring for you – minor inconvenience and discomfort for your child is also a good thing. Whaaaaattttt!? Yes, it’s true.

I like to say that parenting is a collaboration between you and the rest of the universe, you teach some things, and the universe teaches the others. As your child approaches legal adulthood, it’s time (past time some might say) to let the universe step in with its lesson plan on things like pre-planning, tolerating discomfort, problem solving, prioritizing wants and needs, making choices between two equal wants or two less-than-ideal options, sacrificing for a goal, delaying gratification, and all the rest. THESE are important adult’ing skills and you are not the best teacher of these skills. Even though I know you have tried, somehow your lesson plan has not entirely sunk in over the years….

Cue, the universe’s lesson plan. This lesson plan leans heavily on missteps and mistakes, missed opportunities and impulsive decisions, regret and discomfort. And in order for the lesson plan to work at building the skills you need to let the lesson play out. When a situation like this happens you have a wonderful opportunity to support your kid to build some truly valuable adult’ing skills. And this can NOT happen if you swoop in with the fix.

So what do you do? Nothing? No, you don’t have to sit mute and incapacitated on the sidelines with your hands thrown up. YOU are an important player in this lesson plan. But you have to learn or lean into a new way to interact with your kid and the situation.

Yes, you probably DO have just the right thing to do at the ready – the person to call, e-mail to write, words to say, action to take - to effectively address the problem. But….you already know how to do this, you don’t need to build this skill, your kid does, so this is THEIR time to exercise that muscle. In order for this to happen, you are NOT going to jump into “fixer of all things” and share that wining game plan right away. You are going to dig deep and learn to tolerate your kid’s discomfort.

Instead of you "fixing the problem” consider walking alongside your student to explore this challenge, unfolding situation, predicament, and within all that the nugget of a forming goal they have for themselves around the problem solving. Allow your interactions to support this exploration with them, allowing them to take as much of a lead as they will take.

Be curious about their problem-solving goal, support the goal making, ask how they might bring about what they want, and go along for that ride. When their goal and solution and action plan doesn’t match up with what you know in your heart will effectively get the job done in the way you would do it BITE YOUR TONGUE. This is not the time for YOUR ideas, this is the time to explore theirs. This “assessing and exploration of the problem and solution” is a skill they need. The actual plan and solution is almost secondary or at least equal in importance.

You can ask questions – “What are your priorities for a solution?”, “Do you think this solution will meet that priority?”, “What about this other priority, will this solution get that done?”, “If you can’t get all your priorities met with your solution are you ok with that?”, “Which priority(ies) are you willing to sacrifice?”, “What if your solution isn’t working, how will you know that?”, “What other solutions are you willing to consider?”, and on and on.

If the solution is significantly off the mark from what you know will yield a desired result or they try their solution and it doesn't yield results what then what? Does all your experience go to waste?. Of course not. But you still don’t just jump in, don’t solution shame, don’t become the pinch hitter, and don’t present your fully formed plan. Restraint is the name of the game. And leaning into your role as Adult’ing Consultant, i.e., the execution is still their choice.

Start by ASKING if you can offer a suggestion. Then offer just enough to help them switch gears, consider a different option, gather more information, consider something they weren’t thinking of, etc…. Maybe offer some search terms for Google, help them explore websites for different solutions, facilitate the making of a pros & cons lists, offer a different thought experiment (but let them contribute the details), ask if you can offer a concern or a missing piece of information, etc.... Ask if they are willing to make some compromises, look at all the "sort-of-close-but-not-quite-right" options and consider the compromises that need to be made for each and explore what they think about each of the compromise, etc....

If your kiddo is reluctant (they might be experimenting with “I’m Independent and don’t need help”) then say you'll help tomorrow/another time if they want and let it go. And think to yourself that when  they are ready and give you an opening you'll be ready to help in the way that works best for them. 

You get the idea.

This is NOT about YOU delivering the solution to their doorstep, it is NOT about solving the stated problem FOR your kid, it is not about you panicking and thinking “if I don’t find this for them NOW they will…. [fill in the blank for the dire consequence]”.

What it is about is walking along with your kid and exploring this WITH them: teaching the skills of exploration, research, soul searching, flexible thinking, reality checking, compromise, etc..... It's NOT about the solution to the problem but about using the minor problem as an opportunity to teach a process that may take many weeks/months/a year for your kid to learn. It is NOT about the end product of the process. The reward will be a more mature kid/young adult who has a better idea of the reality of the world and the skills to navigate it more successfully.

Good luck.