Students Going Off to College - Changing role for parents
Your child is 18 but they are neurodiverse, and so we all know their development in some areas is uneven. And…..there are likely many, many things you and others have just taken care of and so your child has not had to take care of and so doesn’t know how to take care of them. So here they are at 18 and really can’t manage many of the areas of their life independently yet.
But, remember that when your child turns 18 they are now a *legal* adult, and the professionals they work with – therapists, doctors, teachers, college personnel, etc – not only no longer have a duty to communicate with you, they have a directive NOT to talk to you. Continuing professionals, depending on their role, will modify what they communicate with you to some degree. And new professionals will likely just tell you they can’t share information with you. This is especially true with medical professionals (more on this elsewhere) and college professionals.
Once a student is admitted, college personnel do not need to talk to you, and they will kindly but firmly make this very clear to you. And (this is very IMPORTANT)…even with a FERPA they may not want to talk to you (more on this below). Keep this in mind. Even before 18, if your student is in a college setting (like a community college or a freshman who has not yet turned 18 years of age), the college personnel are not going to want to talk to you even though your student is a minor.
Their openness to you being involved will fluctuate but in general you need to assume you will be helping your child now in a “consulting” role rather than a direct “I will arrange everything for you” role like you have done up to this point.
But, keeping your eye on the ball, this is what you really want, right…..You WANT your adult child to be managing their affairs on their own. But the transition can be jarring if you are not ready for it and haven’t been preparing yourself and your child for it leading up to their 18th birthday.
So, here’s a few points about what to be aware of and how to prepare. This is not exhaustive but will get you started.
At home:
In their senior year in high school start transitioning from your role as “boss of their lives” to “consultant to the CEO of their own lives”. Change the way you talk to your student and how you intervene. Give them options rather than telling them what they should do. Let them make decisions that may not be “the best” in your opinion, let them make small mistakes. Help them think through the consequences of their options but let them decide for themselves and support that (even if it’s a mistake in your eyes). Help them put in a plan B or know what to do if it goes south. Always ask their permission to disclose their personal information or intervene on their behalf if it’s absolutely necessary.
You can start handing off your never-ending duties to another person like a college prep coach or a college navigation coach. This will help you with the process of letting go and will help your student work with people other than you and be more confident working with others and independent in doing so.
Long before their 18th birthday start doing things WITH your student as opposed to FOR your student. It will take much more time to get these tasks done but it’s an important time for them to start learning how all the parts move – who the players are, what they do, what supports the student uses, what’s needed to get those supports, their rights, how to communicate with the service providers, managing paperwork, etc… This process takes a very long time, your goal at this time is not to have them competently learn ALL this. At first the goal may be for them to be present while it’s happening. And then to give input from the sidelines. Then do the input while you instruct them. Then ask for help from you when they need it. It’s a gradual process and it may take many years for them to learn who does what, how and why. As they are able to do more and more give them tasks to do on their own (and check in with you when done or cc you on an e-mail)
With the college personnel:
If the STUDENT wants you involved in any way (even access to the financial portal to pay their tuition) your student needs to complete a FERPA release forms with the various campus departments so that you can communicate with that office. Be judicious with this though. Even with a FERPA you should NEVER be making arrangements on your student’s behalf if you can at all help it (not that the college personnel will let you, but don’t even try.). And you should NEVER be disclosing your student’s personal information – diagnosis, classes, health issues, challenges and needs, or really anything. Ask questions in a “hypothetical” way and if you are providing information clear it with your student first and get permission about exactly what you can share (but always opt for THEM sharing the info for themselves, with your support if necessary).
And remember, a FERPA just says a college department personnel CAN communicate with you, it does not dictate that they must communicate with you or what they will discuss*. Any college professionals will opt to not communicate with you, even with a FERPA. Some parents are confused by this distinction. The quicker you are able to adjust to, function from, and communicate your new role the easier it will be for you, and the more effective you can be by adopting this new role to navigate from. (*this will be different for conserved students, but then it is the conservator ship papers, not the FERPA that makes this distinction).
Your STUDENT has the right to include an advocate in any meeting or phone call. This is not based on the parent’s desire to be present or the college personal’s desire to NOT have the parent present (despite what they might communicate). It is the STUDENT’S choice. If the school personnel pushes back this is a time for your student to exercise their self- advocacy skills and insist that this is their right and they are choosing to have this person at the meeting. You might want to practice the meeting beforehand and write up talking point notes, or a script, with your student for them to use. And keep in mind that while your student has to right to have an advocate present, they also have to right to choose someone other than you to be that advocate.
For more on this…In a 2021 University of California system wide open letter, UC Davis Neurodivergent PHD student, Patrick Dwyer encouraged the UC System to adopt a series of policies to better support neurodivergent college students. His letter is titled: Recommendations for making UC a more welcoming place for neurodivergent students. Recommendation #13 deals with advocates.*
https://senate.universityofcalifornia.edu/_files/reports/mg-mb-recs-neurodivergent-students.pdf
* I do not know the extent the UC system adopted these recommendations officially, and this letter was not sent to other colleges or college systems. But I think it gives the STUDENT language to advocate for what THEY want in terms of an advocate (not always the parent) in meetings. Pay close attention to the last paragraph....This is the STUDENT’S choice and they need to be given the space to exclude parents if they choose.
In the meeting as an advocate take a back seat and always involve yourself as little as possible (maybe opting to remind your student of something rather than talking yourself like: “would you like to tell Ms. XX about Y?” or ask your student permission to make a contribution if you feel you need to, but keep it brief and then turn it over back to your student as soon as you can). This deference to the student will accomplish two things: signal to your student that they need to step up and you support them and believe in them to do so, and to the college personnel that they can let down their defense a little with you.
Here’s an example of a script for you:
**Remember – you “work” FOR the student, you are not a free agent. So, all your communications should be with the student directly, not with the college personnel until the student gives you permission to do so, only to the extent the student gives you permission to do so, and only until you can turn it back over to the student.
The student should tell the college personnel that they will be inviting an advocate and introduce the person in the beginning of the meeting as their advocate.
The advocate thanks the student, says they are there to support the student, and confirms with the student at the start of the meeting if the student still wants them there. Also state and make sure the student knows they can change their mind at any time during the meeting and the advocate will leave or log off. Say this out loud IN the first few minutes of the meeting, even if it’s discussed beforehand.
Ask the student in the first few minutes of the meeting if is ok to offer information that the advocate thinks the student may have forgotten or has something to add. If they say yes, thank them and then “STEP BACK”.
In person sit behind the student and to the side and let them manage their own meeting. On Zoom either sit to the side of the student if on the same computer or say you will turn off your camera and mic (and do so) if on a separate computer. Or just be quiet (or put the phone on mute) if on the telephone.
When you as the advocate have something to say, before speaking: 1) wait a beat or two and see if the student or the college personnel gets to it, 2) decide if it is really necessary.
If the advocate thinks it is essential information wait for the student or the college personnel to finish their thought and then say to the student deferentially “I have some information to share about that, if that’s ok with you? And it’s ok if you would rather I didn’t” (The student will probably say it’s ok).
First the advocate should try to prompt/remind the student of the info so they can share it themselves. The advocate can do this by saying something like '“would you like to share ...[such and so]”; or “I think it would help if you told the counselor [such and so]” or something like that. Use as little info as possible that will help your student to know what you’re talking about. It’s always best for the student to share relevant info on their own if they can.
If the student struggles with this, doesn’t know what the advocate is talking about, can’t remember, or has trouble articulating it, offer the info directly to the college personnel, but be as brief as possible.
Look for opportunities to toss it back to the student as soon as possible and fade back into the background.
You get the idea.....
At the end of the meeting thank the student for inviting you, ask if you have been helpful, and ask if there is anything else THE STUDENT needs from you.
IMPORTANT: It’s ok if everything you think is important doesn’t get shared or if it is not shared in the way you would share it. Your student is going to soon be in lots of meetings with professors, TAs, tutors, student health center professionals, and others on campus without you. As long as the main points are covered, content is not as important as process in most circumstances.
Doing this not only softens the defensiveness of the college personnel but more importantly it helps your student to step up, with your support. If you are there but consciously offer only what is needed and no more, and let your student run the meeting as much as they can you are helping them learn to do this on their own.
There are other facets to this changing role – many things you will no longer have access to or input into. You won’t necessarily have access to their grades, you won’t have access to their health information, you won’t have access to their progress, you won’t have input into what classes they choose, you won’t be able to offer information about their needs with professors or the disabilities office, and so much more. But if you work with your student in a way that encourages them to offer you information and opportunities to give input you will navigate this changing role successfully.